Who I am
by Luco
Summary: A search for his own kind may bring about pain and death to those who try and help.
1. 1

"You can't make me go back there! Not now, not ever." He turned his back on the man and continued walking away.  
  
"So what are you going to do? Run again? Aren't you tired of this?" He heard the man sigh, but ignored him and continued walking. "Come back, we can work this out, you don't have to go." The boy stopped and looked back over his shoulder, his violet eyes sad.  
  
"Yes I do, and you know that." He turned and continued walking, red hair flying wildly around his head in the sudden wind. The man watched him disappear around the bend in the road and sighed. Turning he walked back to the house and back to the grieving mother who had just lost her child.  
  
But maybe he was never hers to begin with, not after what they had done.  
  
***  
  
Casimir stared around the small village from his place on a roof. He sighed as, again, he saw no one like himself. This village was called Kannaboro and was supposedly a nice place, but Cas had learned not to take any chances. Not when he looked like he did.  
  
'Damn them! Why did they do this to me anyways? Wasn't enough to take away my freedom?'  
  
But no, it probably wasn't. They had to take everything from him and leave him like this. He sighed and lay back on the roof, arms and legs outspread, tail curled around his leg. The sun felt nice on his skin and he allowed himself a small smile since no one was watching.  
  
He knew his happiness wouldn't last very long. Not with what lay ahead of him. Leaving home had been one of the best things he had done, but it was only the beginning. Well, it hadn't really been home, just the place he stayed. His heart didn't belong there and they all had known it was only a matter of time before he would leave.  
  
He shook himself away from those thoughts burying them deep within his mind so he wouldn't become distracted. It was time to get moving again. Time to continue to find a place where there was someone else like him.  
  
Somewhere he could be at peace.  
  
Somewhere where there was a person that held the answers to the questions that burned in his heart.  
  
He snorted and pushed himself to his feet.  
  
'Like that would ever happen.'  
  
Jumping across the roofs he made it to the edge of the village undetected and from there leaped into the trees a good distance from the road. He couldn't travel near other people, not when his appearance would condemn him either to death or capture. With very little forest around he had to keep moving quickly, always avoiding the eyes of others and trust to his luck, no matter how small it was.  
  
At least there was a good clean breeze today and that combined with the warm sun made traveling a lot easier to handle and Cas let himself enjoy the moment.  
  
The next minute he knew that hadn't been a good idea, but then again, it never was. He had relaxed his guard and that stopped him from registering the sound of hooves fast approaching him. He turned in alarm and saw a white horse heading in his direction, running all out at him.  
  
"Damn!" he dodged the horse as it ran near him, but it quickly turned and cut him off, never letting him leave the area, almost as if it was trying to herd him away from his course. It had no rider and Cas wondered how it knew what to do. "What do you want? I didn't do anything to you." The horse, of course, didn't answer what had he expected from the animal? But it did continue to keep him trapped. Cas growled.  
He had had enough of this little game and launched himself at the horse, extending his claws. He could see in its eyes that it hadn't expected to be attacked and stood frozen as Cas's claws dug into its hide. He didn't want to truly hurt it, just scare it off enough that it would leave him alone and let him move on. But then he made the mistake of looking in to a pair of beautiful blue eyes and got lost in a peace he never knew could exist.  
  
: I choose you. : Cas could only blink at the voice in his head. : Now could you please remove your claws, they hurt. : He did as he was told and backed away from the horse.  
  
"You're talking to me?" the horse nodded.  
  
: Yes. My name is Arian and I'm a Companion. : The little red head blinked again and cocked his head to the side, ears laid back in confusion and tail moving back and forth restlessly.  
  
"So...?" he prompted. Arian sighed again.  
  
: You're to be a Herald, young one. My Herald. : This Cas understood. He had seen the Herald's while traveling and had learned a little about them from people had said within earshot. They were supposedly good and wonderful people that helped this Kingdom. He didn't see how he could be one, or even dream of considering himself as one. He shook his head.  
  
"Sorry but I can't, I'm, well look at me!" The Companion did and Cas could almost feel the shrug in his head.  
  
: So, you're not human. That doesn't make a difference, not to me. :  
  
"It does to me and it will to others. Especially if they had to trust me." Cas backed away from Arian and winced when he saw the blood coming from the wounds he had inflicted.  
  
"Sorry about that." He lowered his head while gesturing to the wounds.  
  
: Don't worry about it. They'll heal just fine, but if you could clean them out, I'd be grateful. : Cas nodded and looked around. It was some distance to the river, but there was a small pond nearby, and as long as they didn't run into anyone else, he would be fine.  
  
"Come on, this way." He led the way to the pond and brought Arian into the water with him. But then he realized that he didn't have anything to clean them with except his hands until Arian pointed his head towards the saddlebag on his back. Opening it up Cas found a cloth he could use and set about cleaning the wounds.  
  
Once they were all cleaned they both walked back up to the bank and sat down to dry off. Well Cas sat. Arian just stood there enjoying the heat, but he continued to watch Cas closely. Cas knew why too. If it was true and Companion's could read people's thoughts than Arian would feel his fear about being taken anywhere where there were a lot of humans. But he wouldn't know why.  
  
No one would if they had not gone through it themselves. The hatred and fear that drove someone to destroy something they couldn't understand or put a name to. The reason that Cas was out here.  
  
Alone.  
  
: So how do I convince you to come to Haven? : Cas looked over at him.  
  
"You really want me to, don't you? Even though you and I both know it's going to cause problems with a lot of people" The Companion nodded and looked at him with his blue eyes, almost pleading. Cas sighed, for some reason his fears seemed to fade when he looked at Arian. But they were still there.  
  
Yet, maybe there he would have better luck. Besides, traveling on horse back would be a lot faster than on foot, even for him.  
  
"Fine. But I don't think I could walk in there looking like this." He waved at himself.  
  
: Look in the pack again. : Cas did so and found what looked like a white cloak and hood, along with more white clothes. They were all loose and would cover him up while still making him look normal. Cas looked over at Arian who looked entirely too smug.  
  
"You had all this planned, didn't you?"  
  
: Yes. :  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
: It was just a feeling when I felt my Call, so when they got me ready I made them pack all that as well. I didn't expect you to look like this, but I don't mind. You look cute. : The young man blushed but put the clothes on over his own without comment, adjusting them to make sure everything was covered. He pulled the hood low over his face and then let Arian inspect him.  
  
: Okay, you're all covered. Now let's get going. : Cas nodded and leaped from the ground up onto the Arian's back much to the Companion's surprise. Arian looked back at him as he settled down into the saddle. : I guess I have to stop thinking in human abilities with you huh. What else can you do? : Cas shrugged.  
  
"A lot. But I'm still figuring most of it out for myself." Arian shook his head at this and then took off across the grass. Cas molded himself to the Companion's back and together they went flying down the road. Nobody looked twice at the white horse and rider, although a few did wonder why the rider wore the hood up on such a beautiful day.  
  
Soon they had passed another village, but Arian showed no signs of stopping.  
  
"Aren't you getting tired?" he shouted over the rushing of the wind going past them.  
  
: I would feel better seeing you safe in haven right now. : That was understandable and Cas didn't complain. He just hoped he would be safe at Haven.  
  
Soon they had topped a small hill and there, Arian slowed down and finally paused for a moment.  
  
: There it is. : Cas looked down at the city and his eyes widened. It was huge! Almost as big as..  
  
No! He wouldn't think of 'that' place ever again. He shook his head as a vision of another, darker place tried to cover up the sight before him.  
  
Arian's ears flicked back in concern.  
  
: Are you alright? :  
  
"Yeah, just a little surprised by the size that's all." Arian nodded and then started down the hill at an easy pace. Once they had passed the first set of gates Cas pulled the hood closer down to his face. So many people so close to him made him nervous and now he was behind walls with them.  
  
It took them a long time to get to the inner walls of the Palace, but finally they made it and Arian headed over to a smaller gate built in the huge wall. A young man in a dark blue uniform smiled at them as they approached.  
  
"Ah! Welcome back Arian and you are?" Cas looked down at the man in some confusion. How did he know Arian's name?  
  
: They keep track of all the Heralds and Companion's going out and in, for safety reasons. :  
  
'Makes sense.'  
  
"Casimir." He told the guard who nodded and wrote something down in a book.  
  
"Welcome to Haven, Casimir." Cas nodded at the man and then Arian brought them through the wall and out into the courtyard beyond. As people approached them Cas brought the hood closer to his face. These people were Heralds and they smiled when they neared him.  
  
"So Arian, you finally Chose, but I think it's a bit early for him to be wearing whites." Arian just snorted and one of the men helped Cas of the Companion's back. "I guess we should go get you changed and then off to get something to eat." His heart jumped into his throat when the man led him away from Arian and towards the Palace. He looked back at his Companion helplessly.  
  
: They won't hurt you, I promise. : Cas nodded and let himself be led inside and down hall after hall. His eyes scanned everything as they passed, but never looked at the people he passed. He didn't need them to see what he really looked like yet. Finally the man stopped in front of one of the many doors they had passed and opened it, motioning Cas to enter.  
  
Inside were two other people. One was a young lady dressed in green and the other was a young man dressed in white. Both smiled as they entered.  
  
"So this is our new trainee huh?" the lady in green smiled. "Hello there, do we get a name or can we guess?"  
  
"Casimir."  
  
"Nice name." The young man spoke up and then looked at the person who had brought him here. "Is this his first stop then?" the one behind him nodded.  
  
"Yes, he just arrived now and I figured might as well get him cleaned up so he can eat, if that's all right with you?" they all looked at Cas who nodded. "Okay then lets get you out of these whites and into a uniform."  
  
Before Cas could react the lady had grabbed his hood and pulled it off.  
  
Silence.  
  
Cas cringed at the looks of shock on their faces, and he was sure he saw a touch of fear.  
  
'I knew this was a bad idea. Time to get out of here and quick, before fear turns to hate!'  
  
He turned and pushed the man behind him away and took off through the door. He heard them quickly regain their senses and start after him.  
  
"Wait! It's all right! We're not going to hurt you."  
  
'Yeah right!' he didn't wait to hear any more just continued to run, but a bell had sounded and doors were opening all down the halls. Young men and women in gray and blue were piling out of them, laughing and talking to each other.  
  
'Damn! I can't get through this!' he stopped and looked around the whole hall and finally noticed the windows that lined the hall had slight ledges built on top of them to hold drapes. They were extremely narrow and high up but he didn't see any other choice. By now the people had noticed him and he must have looked a sight, with the white robe and hood now off.  
  
They all stood frozen, not sure what he was, but then Cas heard the sound of running behind him and leaped for the nearest window. At first he slipped, but sinking his claws into the wood he managed to pull himself up and gain his footing. With a body adapted for this kind of movement he leaped from window to window, high above the heads of the students and made his way quickly to the end of the hall.  
  
He didn't pause there to see how his pursuers were doing though and continued on for the nearest door.  
  
'This is just like before when people had seen me. Shock had turned to fear. Fear had turned to anger. Anger turned to hate and hate became pain. I won't let that happen again!'  
  
He turned another corner but was stopped as he ran into something, or, looking up, someone.  
  
His ears lay back against his head in fear as he stared up into the eyes of the Griffon towering above him. It stared back calmly, but as soon as he tried to move it pinned him with one clawed foot, not hurting him, but not letting him move either.  
  
'I'm dead.'  
  
He lay shivering as the people finally caught up to him and when the young lady knelt beside him and reached out to touch him he winced, expecting a blow.  
  
"I told you, we are not going to hurt you and I meant it. Just relax." She reached out to me and touched one of my pointed ears and I flicked it in response. "What are you?" I shook my head, I didn't know either. She sighed and placed a cool hand on either side of my head. "For now, just sleep, you've been through enough."  
  
I tried to protest but my mind drifted off into darkness and I was lost in a deep slumber.  
  
A/N: So, anyone interested?? 


	2. 2

He was once again wandering these same twisted halls. A never-ending maze of stone and darkness, shadows that haunted his every step and never left him alone.  
  
'Why?'  
  
The one simple question breathed into the space around him and sucked away in to the shadows that twisted and turned; fed upon everything he was and would be.  
  
'What have I done to deserve this?'  
  
He dropped to his knees, the strength leaving him. He had survived this once, but he couldn't do it again! Not again. He had barely made it out the first time with his sanity intact. What would happen this time?  
  
The sound of liquid hitting the floor made him look down and he saw a familiar sight. His own blood trailing out of the many wounds to pool on the floor, a trail that always led them to him.  
  
He started shivering, wanting out, but afraid of just ending up here again.  
  
'Or had my freedom been a dream? Another of their tests?'  
  
That thought hurt and he huddled in upon himself, tail and body wrapped close together. Even his eyes could not pierce this darkness, the hatred that fed it.  
  
But he wasn't alone.  
  
His ears flicked forward and he heard a soft noise, like the chiming of bells, coming towards him. He raised his head cautiously and looked down the hall. The noise came closer and closer till it was within sight and Cas cried out loud and launched himself forward-  
  
-To Arian. But he stopped before he touched the Companion. He stared at him, not daring to breathe, afraid of being left alone in here again.  
  
: You're not alone anymore, I'm here. I won't leave you. :  
  
Cas shook at the feel of Arian's warmth, the peace that flooded into him.  
  
: This is in your mind, you're frightened. But you can leave now. :  
  
"Can I? Will I ever be free of this place?" Cas laughed silently, a twisted bitter sound that tore at the heart of the Companion in front of him.  
  
: What is this place, Chosen? :  
  
"My hell. The place where I lived for most of my life." Deep violet eyes turned and stared into blue. "This is what humans have done to me when they found me."  
  
: But we won't. You won't go through this, : the Companion shuddered as he looked around again and Cas knew the darkness was trying to feed on his light. : Again. I won't let you. But you have to be the one to get out of here right now. :  
  
"How?" The question was nothing more than a whisper, but Arian still heard it.  
  
: Let us help you, take down your shields. : Cas looked carefully at Arian for a long moment but finally nodded.  
  
"For you I will." And he felt something inside him relax and then give way. The darkness around him shifted to shades of green, cleansing everything they touched including Cas.  
  
***  
  
When next he opened his eyes he was laying in a tiled room and sunlight was shining through a window behind him. He looked around in confusion, wondering where he was, but a tapping sound behind made him jump. He turned quickly and saw Arian tapping at the window behind him.  
  
"Arian?" The Companion nodded and tossed his head, mane flying and reflecting in the light. He reached shaking fingers over and undid the latch holding the window closed and then cautiously reached for his Companion, needing to know this was real, but also fearing what would happen to him, if it wasn't.  
  
He was stuck with his hand out stretched, scared of going on, and scared of not. Arian decided for him and nudged his hand and Cas gasped as he felt the smooth, soft hide of the Companion.  
  
Trembling with relief he launched himself through the window and clutched onto Arian's neck, holding on for his life.  
  
Or his sanity.  
  
: It's all right. I'm here; I'll always be here for you. :  
  
'I know, I just want to hold on to this moment.' He heard Arian chuckle.  
  
: Well I can tell you that you're doing a wonderful job of hanging on. : Cas just smiled and nuzzled his head closer to Arian's neck, content to stay that way fro a while, but voices from inside the room he had just left disturbed him and he looked back.  
  
Inside the room a girl in gray clothing was looking frantically around. Curious Cas walked up to the window and leaned in.  
  
"What are you looking for?" the girl started at the sound of his voice and turned to him quickly. She seemed relieved to see him there, but then she looked confused.  
  
"I was looking for you and what are you doing out there?" Arian walked up beside Cas at that moment and the girl smiled. "Well I guess that answers my question doesn't it?" Cas looked from Arian to the girl and was glad that they seemed to understand what was going on.  
  
"So, why were you looking for me?" he asked while climbing back into the room. He watched her eyes widen as he saw his full form.  
  
"Can I ask you a question first?" Cas hesitated a moment before nodding. "What exactly are you?" Cas blushed slightly.  
  
"I'm not entirely sure. But what do I look like to you?" he had always been curious about what other's thought. The girl walked up to him and circled him, while Cas tried to follow her with his eyes. She was smiling when she ended back up in front of him. "Well, your hair and skin seem human, except no one around here has the same colouring. It's a nice deep tan and your hair is a deep red, almost like it's been dyed." She steeped closer, and reached out to gently touch an ear, smiling when it twitched. "You have the ears and tail of a cat and they're slightly darker than your hair, but you probably knew that." Cas shook his head.  
  
"I've never seen myself except what I can see from looking down." She frowned.  
  
"That's not right. Well when were done here, I'll take you to a mirror, do you want me to continue?" Cas nodded. "Okay then. Your too thin for a human, but it's all muscle from what I can see. Your legs are longer too, and your feet are cat-like in structure, which is probably why you can move so quickly and jump so high. Also you seem to have very pretty violet eyes." He blinked at that, and she laughed. Well it's time to get you a uniform and for you to get cleaned up." Cas nodded and then looked back at Arian.  
  
: I'll see you later, I promise. : He nodded and followed the girl out of the room and out into the halls. She continued talking the whole time, but Cas didn't mind, it was nice to hear another's voice in conversation, rather than anger or fear.  
  
"I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Tori and you are?"  
  
"Casimir." She smiled.  
  
"That's cool. Well here is where all the classes take place." She motioned down a long hall with doors lining either side. His eyes widened. That was a lot of classes. "Up the stairs is another hall way divided into two by a large room where we all eat together. On this side of the room is the boy's side and the other belongs to the girls." He nodded again and she led him to another room. This one she knocked on and then entered after a moment.  
  
In the room was an elderly lady sitting behind a cluttered desk checking through some papers.  
  
"Hi again, I have our new trainee." The lady looked up at Cas and smiled.  
  
"So I finally get to meet you." She put aside her papers and stood up moving around the desk to where the two stood. Cas looked up at her and nodded his head. "My name is Milan and I act as Housekeeper around here." Tori spoke up.  
  
"Basically she gives us our chores and makes sure we do them." Milan smiled.  
  
"True, but I try to be fair."  
  
"And you are, there is no doubt about that." Cas looked at both of them. Chores? What kind of chores?  
  
"Well first lets get you a uniform." She went to a closet located in the side of the room and started pulling out a bunch of gray clothing. She looked over at Cas and frowned slightly. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable in the clothing, so lets see what we can do, shall we? I'll take your measurements so we can tailor something to fit better later." Cas nodded his thanks and then took the pile of clothes from her. "I gave you extra long pants and if you put them on backwards, you can probably fit your tail through the opening. Don't worry, no one will notice they're backwards and as for the shirt, well, you're a little too thin and long in torso, so just try wearing the vest for now, so it doesn't look like your swimming in your clothing. It's warm enough to get away with that today and by tonight I'll have some proper clothes for you to wear." She then handed him a pile of sheets and a sheet of paper. "The sheets are for your bed and this paper will tell you what chores you have, if you have any problems you come and tell me alright?" Cas smiled.  
  
"Thank you." She smiled back and then Tori led him back out into the hall, taking half the sheets from him.  
  
"Come on, we'll deposit these in your room and then I'll show you where to get washed up." She led him down the hall and into another one, stopping at one of the doors and placing a slip of paper into the holder on the door. He looked at it, and figured it was his name. She opened the door and he looked around.  
  
'This is all mine?'  
  
It was small room and fairly simple, but he had it all to himself. He smiled and dropped his load of sheets on the bed and grabbed a pair of the clothes he had been given. Tori showed him the way to the bathing room and then told him how to get to the Common Room to eat.  
  
"I'll see you there okay?" Cas smiled and she left. He entered the room and grabbing a cloth started removing all the dirt and dust from traveling. It felt good to finally be clean and he even had a chance to wash his hair, but as he was turning to grab his clothes he saw someone move out of the corner of his eyes and turned, ready for an attack-  
  
-only to see himself.  
  
In front of him was a hug mirror and he was finally looking at his own reflection.  
  
"This is what I look like?" he moved closer and placed a hand on the cool glass and stared at himself. Tori had described him exactly, except she had missed the scars that lined his body.  
  
The scars they had given him and some he had given himself.  
  
He shuddered and turned away from his reflection, putting on his clothes and walking out of the room. Following Tori's directions he nearly made it to the Common Room without incident, but not quite.  
  
Turning a corner he heard it. A familiar growl, one that caused his blood to freeze and his heart to pound. He froze and turned very slowly, praying he was just imagining it.  
  
But he wasn't and he stood staring into viscous yellow eyes.  
  
'Thought you could run, Casimir?' Cas shook as he stared at the creature slowly advancing on him. It was created from the shadows all around and therefore had no form of it's own, but it could still kill and cause pain as Cas knew all too well.  
  
He couldn't scream.  
  
Couldn't call for help.  
  
But he didn't have to.  
  
Within seconds of the creature's arrival, help came and strong arms grabbed him around the waist and pulled him out of the way just as the creature struck. A voice spoke words Cas didn't understand and the thing backed away, hissing and snarling but finally disappearing. He held on to the arms that held him, shaking, but alive.  
  
"Well, that was a close one, wasn't it?" Violet eyes looked up at his savior and he felt himself go numb in shock.  
  
Violet eyes stared at the face above him.  
  
The one that wasn't human.  
  
One that looked just like him.  
  
A/N: sorry about the review thing, I didn't realize I had it clicked, but it's fixed now ^^;;; 


	3. 3

Cas stood frozen for what seemed like eternity. There, above him, was another like him. The ears and eyes, and when he forced himself to look fully at the other, he saw the body was the same as well.  
  
"You're like me." He whispered and the older of the two smiled down at him.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I am. Does that surprise you?" Cas nodded.  
  
"Yes! I've never met another, I had almost lost hope that another existed." He looked away, still not fully believing what was happening. This was just too fast. First, he now knew that 'they' had found him again and now he had found another of his kind.  
  
It was his dream and nightmare all in one.  
  
Shaking his head he tried to back away but was grabbed again. Cas watched his savior warily, not quite trusting him. What if it was a trap? He would die before going back there!  
  
"Let me go!" A shake of the head was his response.  
  
"No, I can't leave you here right now. If those things have caught your scent then they'll hunt you down and you don't want to go there." Cas watched his face closely as he spoke his next words.  
  
"I've already been there, this is my freedom." He watched the other's eyes widen and his face contort in shock. Cas was released but he didn't back away, not now. "I was there my whole life, alone in the shadows and madness." He looked away as the darkness threatened to take his mind again and flashes of voices screaming rang through his ears once more.  
  
-'Help me! End it! Kill me before they come back'-  
  
A common occurrence. To hear those voices, but never finding them in time and wondering if it had been your own voice screaming.  
  
Arms wrapped tightly around his now shaking form and Cas leaned into the support, letting himself relax and feel safe for this moment, knowing it couldn't last, that it would never last, that it never did.  
  
"I'll take you home, I'll take you where you belong." Cas smiled when he heard this and would have followed willingly as the man led him down the hall, but something stopped him, reminded him of why he was here.  
  
Arian.  
  
He couldn't leave him, not now. Arian had dared the darkness to bring him back and Cas knew it had hurt the Companion even if he hadn't been willing to admit it. The darkness fed off the light and Arian was 'his' light. He was now a part of Cas, one he wouldn't leave behind. Digging in his heels, he pulled his arm from the other's grip.  
  
"I can't leave now. I'm Chosen and I will not leave Arian."  
  
"You're insane! They're human and they'll send you back there." Cas smiled sadly at his kin, and shook his head.  
  
"No, they won't, not with Arian here." Their eyes locked but Cas wasn't the first to look away.  
  
"Fine, stay if you can, but remember, that you can come home when you're ready. My name is Deemer. Call for me when you've come to your senses." Cas watched Deemer turn and walk away, leaving him alone once again. He slumped against the wall and closed his eyes.  
  
Immediately Arian met him and he let the love he felt wash over him.  
  
'I made the right choice.' And now he would live with it. He shook his head and continued on his path. He was now really hungry.  
  
***  
  
Entering the common room took a lot more effort than he would have thought. So many people crammed together in one room, made him nervous, especially since they were all human.  
  
: They won't hurt you. :  
  
'I know but they still make me nervous.' Taking a deep breath he braced himself and opened the doors, entering the room. Conversation continued around him, but he could tell they were watching him, curious, but not scared.  
  
Yet.  
  
"Cas! Over here!" He turned and found Tori waving her arms and then pointing to a seat beside her. Thankful for a place to rest he made his way quickly over to her. She smiled as he sat down and started filling a plate for him. "So, what took you so long?" He looked at her, trying to figure out whether to tell her the truth or not.  
  
"I saw my reflection." She nodded and took it one way, while he meant another. It was the easiest thing to do at the moment, until he knew for sure what was going on.  
  
"So, now you know what you look like right?" He nodded and smiled at her than turned to the food, his jaw dropping. Never had he eaten a meal outside of the darkness. He didn't think food could smell, or look so good. He shook his head and dived right in, devouring everything on his plate, still fearing, in the back of his mind, that someone would try and take it away from him.  
  
"Man, you must have really been hungry!" His ear twitched at the unfamiliar voice and he stopped, turning to the left and the young man sitting there. He had short dirty blond hair and warm brown eyes and he was smiling. Good sign. "Well, there's always lots to eat around here, they know how to feed growing kids." He nodded and finished everything on his plate before turning back to the boy, a thought entering his mind.  
  
"Is there a price for eating all this?" The idea made him nervous, he had no money, and doubted he ever would. But the boy shook his head.  
  
"Nope. We do chores instead, hope that's not a problem for you." Cas blinked.  
  
"Chores?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, cleaning, sewing, dishes, cooking, that sort of thing." He felt his shoulders slump and his ears flatten back. All he knew was what they had taught him, namely to fight and obey.  
  
'And I didn't even get that right!'  
  
"I don't know how." He whispered.  
  
"Don't worry, it's pretty easy, you'll pick it up soon." He laughed. "Some prefer them even over classes." Cas smiled back, although he was still worried. He didn't know how to act like them and this proved it. "By the way, I'm Rad, one of your Year-Mates." Cas stared at him blankly. "It means we'll be in the same classes, that's why Tori dragged you over here." He turned to Tori who smiled at him and then continued a conversation she was having with a girl beside her. He turned back to Rad.  
  
"Well at least I know I'll be with someone nice." Rad smiled and turned back to his meal. Cas, on the other hand, turned from his food and looked out a window behind him. It looked to be a beautiful day and he found himself smiling, starting to feel comfortable in these surroundings.  
  
"Ack!" he yelped with pain and turned around quickly, ready to attack, only to find a child holding onto his tail. The little girl stared up at him wide-eyed, frozen to the spot, her hands still around his tail. It was then that Cas realized he had unsheathed his claws. Embarrassed, he quickly pulled them back in and bent down to the child's level, conscious of the fact that everyone in the room had stopped to watch them.  
  
"Sorry." The girl whispered. She seemed really upset so Cas smiled at her.  
  
"It's okay, that just hurt and caught me by surprise." She nodded and loosened her grip a bit.  
  
"But, it looked so soft, an it is!" He cocked his head and watched the child pet his tail. It was a unique experience to say the least, but it felt good. She then looked back up at him and saw his ears. She reached for them but stopped quickly. "Can I touch them?" Cas nodded and bent down further so she could reach them easily. She ran her fingers gently across them and laughed when they flicked from the contact. "They're soft too!"  
  
Cas smiled, enjoying the attention. No one had ever touched him with kindness before and these simple touches relaxed him more than anything else.  
  
: Enjoying yourself? :  
  
'Yessss' he was purring now, but didn't care. The girl laughed and then crawled into his lap. He looked down at her as she reached up to play with his hair.  
  
"It seems you've made a new friend." Cas looked over at Rad who was grinning at him. He just smiled back and let the child play, not seeing any harm in doing so. By now everyone had gone back to their meals, satisfied that no one would get hurt.  
  
"What's your name?" He looked down at her.  
  
"Casimir, but it's easier just to say Cas. And yours?"  
  
"Sherry." He smiled.  
  
"Nice name." She nodded and curled up next to him.  
  
"Why is there darkness inside of you, Cas?" Startled he looked down at her.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"There are many dark places inside of you. Everyone else I can just see colour, but in you, it's all dark. It's hurting you isn't it." He nodded slightly, wondering what she was getting at. "Mommy says it's my gift to 'see' these things, and it's always so pretty, but you're in pain, you've been hurt. Why?" He looked down at her, staring into her green eyes, so innocent. He looked away.  
  
"Some people just don't like others who are different."  
  
"I like you." He smiled.  
  
"I know." Closing his eyes he remembered the darkness, memories brought back by her questions.  
  
***  
  
'Why do you hate me? What have I done?!'  
  
'You exist, that's enough reason.'  
  
Another blow struck, a new wound appeared and he smelled his own blood trailing down his back. He knew he should have listened to them. Should have done as they told.  
  
But he couldn't kill a child.  
  
Another blow struck and he cried out. This seemed to please them and they struck harder. The pain overwhelmed him until the Rage took over and he saw red. It was then that they let him go, freed him from his chains and left the room, leaving only one other in there with him.  
  
He lashed out at the nearest person, needing a release from the anger burning through him, a power he couldn't control.  
  
It seemed hours later that he had gotten control back over himself and he looked around to see who they left as a victim. He lost his lunch as he saw the remains of the child.  
  
The one he had refused to kill.  
  
***  
  
Cas shook himself away from the memory, trying to calm his stomach from the sight, but it was still branded across his site. After that he had listened to them, did as they ordered, knowing that when he was in control, he could at least give them a quick death.  
  
'The darkness inside of me; my pain; my guilt.'  
  
He looked back at Sherry who was watching him closely.  
  
"They did more than hurt you, they locked you away." She seemed so sad for a minute, but Cas could say nothing. "I want to see the colours that you are. I want to see what you would look like. It'd probably be really pretty." He smiled at her. Although it didn't reach his eyes.  
  
'Maybe once I would have been, but not now.'  
  
Not ever. 


	4. 4

Lying in a nice soft bed was an experience Cas hoped to repeat often. He stretched out, feeling bones pop back into place and then let himself melt onto the sheets. The day had been long, but it was over now and he was alone with his thoughts.  
  
Well, not entirely alone. Arian was always with him and Cas was surprised to find himself not minding the other's presence. It made him feel safe to know that a light would always be with him.  
  
'A light amidst all that darkness.' He frowned as his thoughts turned again to the conversation between him and Sherry. They had stayed silent after it until her mother had come to get her. It seemed she was here to learn and control her gifts; her parents were Heralds so he figured that it was pretty normal for a child to have those abilities.  
  
It made him wonder what his were.  
  
'Arian?'  
  
: Yes? :  
  
'Do I have any gifts?' He heard silence for a minute before the other replied.  
  
: You do. You have Mind-Speech, a small touch of Fire Starting and a Mage Gift. :  
  
'Oh.' He said his good nights then and turned over in bed, closing his eyes, but not sleeping yet. He slowed his breathing and relaxed; letting his senses take in the area around him. It had become a habit to always know his surroundings in the dark, since that was where the biggest and most dangerous threats to him were.  
  
In the darkness.  
  
But there was nothing there, all was silent and calm. So why did he feel uneasy?  
  
'Am I so use to violence that I have to create my own?' His ears flicked forward at a slight sound in the hallway. 'Or am I right in assuming that something is out there?'  
  
He moved of the bed and crossed over to the door, placing an ear on the smooth wood, listening for any sounds.  
  
'Probably just a kid out of bed.' He shook himself, grinning at his own paranoia, but a soft hiss, stopped him cold. He turned slowly and faced the door again; a slight tremor making it's way through his body, turning his blood to ice.  
  
The hiss whispered to him, luring him out, but it was too weak to command him just yet and he forced himself to move away, to the other side of the room. Looking around at the four walls surrounding him, he realized he was no longer safe inside at this moment.  
  
He raced for his window just as the shadow made it's way under the door and lunged for him. But he was quicker and was out and climbing up the side of the Colligium, away from his hunter. The cool night air slid across his skin and chilled the sweat that had appeared there.  
  
A low scream in his mind told him that the hunter was close and he didn't waste any time in climbing faster, trying to put some distance between it and himself, but he wasn't fast enough to outrun this shadow and one clawed hand wrapped around his foot, dragging him off the wall and throwing him.  
  
As the ground rushed up to meet him, he prayed that this would be the end-  
  
-but he should have known better.  
  
Inches before hitting the ground he was caught and held there, in a dark embrace. As he lay trapped there, trying to calm his heart rate, he didn't notice the person walking up to him until they were right in front of him.  
  
"You thought you could escape, didn't you?" He didn't have to worry about slowing down his heart then, it froze instantly upon hearing that voice. That hated, twisted voice that always promised him pain. He raised his head with difficulty and looked into the deep green eyes of his captor.  
  
"Caedmon." He spoke the others name, knowing it all too well.  
  
"I'm glad you remember me, Casimir. After all, you did leave our little family and we had thought you had forgotten us." He grinned. "What a pleasant surprise to find out that you hadn't." Cas looked away and heard the other laugh.  
  
"I was never with any of you by choice!"  
  
"True, but the fact remains that you are now one of us and nothing will change that. You are part of the darkness, and that light now within you, doesn't belong. Shall I get rid of it for you?"  
  
"NO!" Cas whipped his head back and glared at the older man, his eyes practically glowing in his Rage and he felt the power build up again. He forced himself to calm down when he realized that's what Caedmon wanted. He wanted him to lose control, to kill.  
  
"Why fight it? It's a part of you, so you can't resist it." Cas looked up at him.  
  
"I can, and I will." Caedmon just shook his head, a look of false sadness upon his face.  
  
"Do you need another lesson, Casimir?" He looked around and they both heard two soft voices speaking.  
  
Children.  
  
His eyes widened. No! He couldn't do this again, he could not! Caedmon had been watching his reaction and laughed when he saw the pain, the guilt.  
  
"They'll do just nicely, don't you think?"  
  
The Rage was growing, consuming him. Anger at himself, the one in front of him and at the situation itself. He felt it race it' way through his body, eating away at his control, but this time was different.  
  
This time he had a focus.  
  
Arian!  
  
He held onto the light of his Companion and let the Rage loose, focusing it on the creature holding him. He felt it's scream in his mind, tearing away at his sanity, but he ignored it and instead let himself enjoy the expression of shook on Caedmon's face.  
  
"Wanna stay and play?" he asked sweetly, his whole body glowing with a hellish light that reflected in his former tormentor's eyes. He drank off the fear there and would have destroyed him, if not for Arian.  
  
: What are you doing? : The voice brought him down from his high, and the Rage dimmed. Caedmon took that moment to escape, but Cas didn't notice. Instead he focused on the Companion now standing beside him.  
  
"Arian, I_" He cried out softly and buried his face in the Companion's neck, letting the fear and anger drain out of him. They had nearly won. They had nearly turned him into the creature they had wanted.  
  
"I can't stay here, although I want to. I'll end up killing everyone." He whispered softly, but Arian heard him.  
  
: No, you won't. We'll help you fight it; we'll help you get through this. :  
  
' But can you?' he kept the thought to himself and held on for his life. Dimly he could hear two children laughing and playing in the darkness behind him and a voice inside whispered in his heart.  
  
..Reach for the power. Just reach out and take it and then it's yours. The power to destroy, the power to burn, the power to control..  
  
He shuddered as he recognized the voice as his own, but did his best to ignore it as Arian helped him back inside and then he made his way to his own room after assuring his Companion that nothing else would attack him this night. He had scared them badly enough that they would leave him be for the time being.  
  
So he was safe, but was everyone else?  
  
He made it the bed and collapsed, not even noticing when someone else tucked him in and made sure he was comfortable.  
  
A/N: Yeah short I know, but it seemed like a good place to end it!! Hope people like ^^ 


	5. 5

When morning came, it didn't bring any peace to Cas's thoughts. The light only served to remind him of the darkness within himself, the Rage that still wanted to feed. But he refused to let it, refused to give in and made himself get up. It was hard, but it had to be done.  
  
Stretching, he loosened all his muscles and gave himself a quick shake before grabbing the clothes that had been made for him and walking to the bathing room determined to get cleaned from last night activities. The thought of the creatures, still made him shudder.  
  
He passed more guards this morning than he had in the past few days here and that caused him to pause. Briefly he considered asking Arian about it, but decided that if it concerned him then his Companion would have told him. But turning a corner, he knew he was involved.  
  
A crowd had gathered around a part of the hall and even from here Cas knew what they saw. A window had been shattered, blood glinting across the shards still stuck in the frame. Moving quickly through the gathered people, Cas made his way to the front and saw one of the few things he feared more than the darkness.  
  
It looked like a simple collar, yes, but it wasn't. Once that, that thing was placed around a person's neck, they were forced to give into emotions, doing exactly as they felt without thinking about the consequences.  
  
'The one thing rage adores, and I fear. The outlet to it's power and the end of my control.'  
  
He turned away from it, along with the rest of the students who were being sent to get ready for class. But as he was about to turn a corner, he couldn't resist taking one last look and in that look he was caught.  
  
Rage knew that it was there.  
  
It knew and it wanted it.  
  
He turned back towards it, moving past the guards and reaching down.  
  
Someone yelled at him to stop, but if he could have spoken a word he would have told them it was useless. Cas was no longer there.  
  
Rage was.  
  
And Rage wanted to feed.  
  
His hands touched the collar and placed it around his neck. Thought and reason left and he only felt. Felt the stress of escaping, the fear of the fight last night.  
  
The anger of being locked away.  
  
The joy of causing Caedmon pain-  
  
Rage took over and the guard nearest him suffered. His hand lashed out, claws extended and he felt them sink into flesh, tearing a wound in the body before him. He heard an alarm raised, he felt Arian in the back of his mind, but none of it mattered.  
  
Only Rage.  
  
Always Rage.  
  
A spell hit him and he was knocked off balance for a minute before he turned, hissing, to the mage who had attacked him, lunging at him and damaging his face. As the blood hit his face and he could taste it in his mouth, Cas took over for a minute and knew that he had to get out of there before more people were hurt.  
  
He turned to the broken window and jumped through it and took off running before anyone realized what he was doing. He used roofs and walls to make it off Palace grounds and out of the city, but he didn't stop running even then. He couldn't let Rage have anymore victims.  
  
But a net stopped all his plans of escape and as it tightened around him he heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Told you, you couldn't live among humans."  
  
***  
  
Violet eyes fluttered open softly as his mind started waking up. The wind ruffled his hair and brought with it the sound of soft singing of two voices.  
  
'He looks around,  
  
(The Fire burns)  
  
He knows this place,  
  
(The fire yearns)  
  
This darkness that exists,  
  
Inside...  
  
A chance to escape,  
  
Long since passed.  
  
No longer can he relate,  
  
It's slipped through his grasp.  
  
But he cares not,  
  
Dares not...  
  
His life is gone,  
  
Taken by this Rage.  
  
The fight was long,  
  
But it left him this cage.'  
  
Cas turned over and blocked the voices from his ears, not wanting to hear it anymore. But the song had stopped and instead he heard silence.  
  
The blessed silence that he had craved.  
  
'So why do I feel empty?' The thought hung in his mind and then another took its place. "Why am I not acting upon this feeling?' he reached a hand up to his throat and found it bare once more. He would have cried aloud, but at the moment it would have taken to much effort. Instead he lay on the ground and tried to remember how he had gotten here.  
  
The net!  
  
Someone had caught him! But who?  
  
His eyes flew open and he looked around, relief flooding through his body. Deemer lay beside him and all around were others like himself. It wasn't 'them'. They hadn't gotten him back.  
  
But maybe he deserved to go back, after what he had done.  
  
'I killed again.'  
  
The blood flashed across his vision, his delight at it clouded his mind.  
  
'I betrayed them, already, not even there a week.'  
  
: No you haven't love. :  
  
The voice shook him out of his thoughts and guilt and caused him to get to his feet. Others all around him reacted to his movement and looked as if they were prepared to fight him, but he ignored them.  
  
Arian had sounded close. But did he deserve to see him again? Did he have the right to even look at his light?  
  
: Yes, you do. :  
  
His head whipped around to the left and looked into the forest surrounding this camp. Nothing else registered in his sight except the flash of white. He turned and ran for it, ignoring the cries of alarm and the arms that tried to grab him.  
  
Arian was there! He had to get to him! The Companion broke through the trees and met him half way, stopping when he launched himself and clung to his mane. He let himself cry silently for a few minutes.  
  
: I'll never leave you, no matter what. :  
  
Cas smiled and opened his eyes-  
  
-and was greeted with black. He backed away quickly and looked at Arian. The pure white coat was slowly changing to ebony black. The shine was still there and the eyes had remained blue, but no longer was he white.  
  
Violet eyes met blue.  
  
: I choose the darkness so that I can remain with you. : 


	6. 6

Black. The darkness that was within him was no outside of him as well. Arian was no longer the pure being he had once been. He was tainted and it was all because of him.  
  
: It was my choice, love. And I wouldn't have it any other way. : Cas looked over at him and then quickly away. Deemer sat beside him looking back and forth between both of them, a quiet look in his eyes.  
  
'You shouldn't have had to make that choice. You haven't even known me that long, you could still go back.' But Arian shook his head and nuzzled Cas's shoulder affectionately.  
  
: We're bonded, you and I.: Cas leaned into the touch and reached a hand back to play with the ebony strands of his mane.  
  
"I don't deserve you." Deemer raised an eyebrow at this and shook his head.  
  
"I still say you're being to hard on yourself. You couldn't help what had been done to you and what you've been forced to do." Cas flicked his eyes over for a minute and then returned them to staring at the forest beyond the glow of their fire. He heard the older sigh. "You still won't even listen to me, will you?" Cas said nothing and Deemer finally got up and left.  
  
: You mean something important to him. : Cas frowned.  
  
'What do you mean?'  
  
: I don't exactly, except his feelings change whenever he comes near you. It's a type of love. : The red head jerked up in shock and turned to watch the retreating back of Deemer.  
  
Love? That man loved him? This was a little too much to handle!  
  
: I don't mean it that way chosen. It is not the love of Partners. It's different. :  
  
That still didn't do much to calm Cas down, and he curled up tight to Arian's side before trying to drift off to sleep. It was hard but soon the sound of singing all around him and Arian's constant presence allowed him to find rest.  
  
***  
  
Morning came too soon for him and it brought with it the sound of many voices, something he wasn't use to. His body tensed up, he cautiously moved away from Arian's side allowing the Companion to get up and stretch. Everywhere he looked, people were moving about, children playing and packing, adults organizing wagons and armed guards were moving about the camp. But none were human.  
  
"Why where they here in the first place?"  
  
"Looking for others like ourselves to bring back home." Deemer walked up to stand beside him, but kept some distance between them when he noticed the way Cas stiffened when hearing his voice. "A lot of these children we set loose from prisons and slavery."  
  
Cas looked again over the crowd and noticed something different now about these people. Many were in different stages of healing, bandages covered most of the skin shown from underneath clothing and what wasn't covered was often shaded dark blue and black. Only the guards seemed whole.  
  
Thinking of the scars covering his own body, Cas could sympathize with them. He turned to Deemer.  
  
"So, where is home?" Deemer smiled.  
  
"At the foot of the Mountains of Silver Beauty at the border of both Valdemar and Iftel. It's been protected by spells for years, but when the storms came, they were weakened almost to nothing." He was silent for time. "It was during those years that many of our children were taken in battle. We were something new to this world and humans wanted to own us."  
  
"And you think we'll be safe there again?" Deemer nodded.  
  
"Yes. There are many from Iftel who have helped replace the shields and guard our borders until we get back on our feet." Arian walked up at this time and Cas leaned back against his side, warmed from the morning sun. He no longer felt like talking. Deemer's words had brought with it images, images that Cas didn't want to deal with.  
  
-a flash of light of the side of a blade-  
  
-the blood covered his hands as he was carried away-  
  
-the screaming-  
  
-a crown falling down the steps to land forgotten on the ground-  
  
They came in flashes and caused Cas to lean more heavily on Arian. He had always thought that his home had been with the lady in the forest. The one who said she was his mother, but didn't seem to care for him. The one with the man who always guarded him, but never let Cas see his face.  
  
He had said long ago that Cas kept running, but he had never believed anything they said. Of course he kept running, but not because he was scared, but because he didn't want to go back.  
  
'Back where? To them, or home?' Turning his head away from the light of day he stared into the glossy black of his Companion and never felt the tears that ran down his cheek, although Deemer was the one who wiped them away. No one said anything more as the group headed out and Cas sat atop Arian's back, not really seeing the world around him, lost in the maze within his own mind.  
  
***  
  
It was around noon when they stopped by a small river to cool off. Arian took them both down to the bank and drank his fill. Cas dangled his feet in the water from his spot on Arian's back.  
  
: Why not go for a swim? : That seemed like a good idea and he took off his shirt before he dived in. The cool water felt good on his skin and he moved effortlessly through the water, swimming out to one of the larger rocks in the middle and resting on the part that protruded from the water.  
  
He smiled slightly as he watched the children on the bank playing with each other. None of them seemed shy and Cas wondered what it must have been like for them, to finally find a family now. He laughed as he saw a little girl trick a young boy into falling into the water and come up spluttering and soaked. He turned his head to face more into the sun when something caught his eye.  
  
His whole body went still and he looked carefully around.  
  
There! It was just the flick of a tail under the surface of the water and it was headed towards the kids. As it rose closer to the surface he could see the creature clearly and after seeing the set of teeth it had Cas didn't waste a moment. He gave a warning shout to children and then dove for the creature, managing to grab its tail and stopping it in its tracks.  
  
He didn't expect the quick lunge that accompanied his attack and was caught off guard when it sunk its teeth into his shoulder. He opened his mouth and started choking, forgetting for a moment that he was under water. Quickly he made his way to the surface fighting for a breath as the weight of thing tried to pull him down.  
  
His claws couldn't get past its hide and it wasn't letting go of his shoulder. The pain hurt badly but the water was now shallow enough that he could touch bottom and still keep his head out of the water. Something large also made its way towards them and then the sound of hooves crashing against bone was heard and Cas was free. Arian stood there in the water, reared up and ready to strike again. Taking advantage of the distraction Cas lunged for it's head and dug his claws into its eyes.  
  
It let out a horrid shriek and tried to pull itself loose but Cas wouldn't let go, so it did the last thing it could. Sinking it's teeth into a part of Cas's wrist it held on and dragged Cas out into deeper water and under.  
  
'I can't get loose!'  
  
: Hold on, Deemer is coming in after you with help! : Cas heard him, but was slowly losing consciousness. The loss of blood and the lack of oxygen were making quick work of him and he didn't even have the strength left to summon Rage. Even as the creature started to weaken from it's partly broken back and gouged eyes, Cas knew that he had no chance of getting to the surface in time and was about to let himself go.  
  
: Don't you dare! : He held onto that voice as arms went around him and hands pried the teeth away from his wrist. Soon the surface came into view and he was able to gasp for breath. He didn't know who was holding him and right now he didn't care, all he wanted was dry land under him and bandages.  
  
Then sleep.  
  
Arian was there beside them and helped drag him to shore where he was immediately wrapped in blankets and placed on clean bedding. As the wounds were closed and stitched he lay there, eyes closed, panting for breath and trying to shake the memory of water all around him, cutting off his life. He was shaking badly, scared at the close encounter with death, but soon a small hand held his, offering comfort and he turned to see one of the kids sitting there with him. She was brushing back his hair and whispering softly to him.  
  
"You saved us, and now your safe. Thank you." He held onto her hand until the vision of dark blue finally left his mind and he was made to drink something that placed him into a deep sleep, and still the children watched over him, knowing that he was the reason they were all still alive. 


End file.
